Blood Hook (1986)
Dir. Jim Mallon
The hooks in Blood Hook are pretty much regular sized hooks. And that’s a little disappointing. With a name like “Blood Hook”, I was expecting a big hook. Like an almost comically oversized hook. The killer has a big bobber, or maybe it’s a lure (I don’t know shit about fishing) covered in hooks, but the hooks are a pretty standard size, maybe slightly above standard, but certainly nothing to write home about. It’s a little bit of a let down. Though fortunately once you get past that, Blood Hook showcases a fun little twist on the well worn slasher formula with a lot regional charm.
It’s summer 1986 (I assume it’s summer; it’s sunny and people are fishing) and Muskie Madness reigns supreme in a rural Wisconsin town as the locals vie for the biggest catch during the annual fishing festival. Crashing the party is city slicker Peter van Cleese and his Gen X buddies so that they and the locals can make each uncomfortable across the generation gap. Peter has recently inherited a house from his grandfather who went missing and assumed dead when Peter was a child. Also crashing the party is mean motherfucker with an apparent chip on their shoulder that can only be remedied with the blood of innocent Wisconsin-ites. But this ain’t your typical slasher villain. No knives or chainsaws here; this killer takes down their prey in traditional Muskie Madness fashion with a fishing pole and some well placed hooks (see first paragraph).
Who is the culprit? As this is a movie centered around a fishing festival, there are red herrings galore (heh). It’s an almost Scooby Doo-esque assemblage of suspects. There’s Wayne the groundskeeper who’s been taking care of Peter’s grandad’s home since his disappearance and hasn’t taken to kindly to Peter’s sudden arrival. There’s Wayne’s son Evelyn, a traumatized Vietnam War vet and noted conspiracy theorist. There’s Denny Dobyns, the self proclaimed “Muskie Maniac” who’s looking to rig the competition in his favor, perhaps by taking out the competition. Maybe it’s Leroy Leudke, bait shop owner who might snap if has to deal with one more annoying tourist. And finally there’s Finner, Peter’s friend who’s “a little weird” indicating what can only be latent homicidal tendencies. But really it can be any number of townspeople, thrown into a frenzied culture shock by the intrusion of these young punk kid urbanites. It’s not really a shock when we’re shown the killer’s identity as they’re revealed halfway through the film with little fanfare. No big reveal or “oh shit” moment, it’s more like the director thought a fishing pole against the night sky was getting stale so he decided to show the killer to change up the frame. And while the killer’s identity is pretty arbitrary, as is the case with most slasher whodunits, at least the motive is pretty inventive if a bit convoluted (hint: it doesn’t have anything to do with greed or hating the young people).
The kills themselves aren’t anything too spectacular beyond the novelty of the premise (again giant hooks, even one giant hook, would have been so much sweeter). People get hooked somewhere on their body, panic, writhe around a bit, fall into the water, repeat. If you’re looking for a gorefest, you won’t find it here. The most graphic things we see kill-wise are are a pretty fake looking severed ear, and an equally fake looking prosthetic pot belly get a little torn up. There is one good bit though where the killer puts a rope through a body’s head via a hole in the bottom of the jaw. And even if the kills aren’t visceral visually, the idea of having hooks go in to your skin to pull and tear at your flesh is quite perturbing to me at least, especially when one guy gets hooked in the dong.
Between killings and important plot points, there are a bunch of subplots to sit through that mostly amount to filler, and this is Blood Hook’s biggest weakness; it’s 110 minutes long! Through the meandering story we get detours into Denny’s attempts to cheat by tagging and releasing purchased fish into the lake, the antics of a clueless tourist family on vacation, a love triangle between Peter and two of his friends, and a romance between Finner and one of the locals that ends up turning into a second love triangle. While some of it is entertaining and has a charm of it’s own, it’s all pretty superfluous and bogs down the movie’s runtime. And no movie called Blood Hook should really be longer than 86 minutes. Still though, while Blood Hook is overlong and rather silly, it’s self aware. It’s a Troma production, but not one helmed by Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz, so it’s not as over the top or obnoxious as the standard Troma fare (for better or worse). Blood Hook knows what it is but has the restraint to play everything (well mostly everything) straight. The most gloriously gonzo moment in the film is during the climatic showdown between Peter and the killer when both characters end up getting each other hooked simultaneously in a tug-o-war of the flesh. It’s both grueling and awesomely hilarious. These are the kinds of moments that make me wish I could see this movie in a theater with a crowd, or at least in front of a big screen TV with a half dozen friends or so, cause I think this moment would go over like gangbusters. Though I’ve been wrong about these things before, and it might just be me being enthralled while everyone else is indifferent, and then I feel like a loser. Whatever. Their loss, not mine. Louse friends. You don't deserve Blood Hook.
Also of note: the movie is directed by Jim Mallon and with grip work by Kevin Murphy, both part of the creative team behind Mystery Science Theater 3000. And while Blood Hook is a cut or two above most MST3K fare, it would still be right at home getting the riff treatment by Joel (or Mike [or Jonah]) and the bots.
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